MI crooked letter, crooked letter I, crooked letter, crooked letter I, hump back, hump back I. Mississippi is only state I can spell with ease since there is an unforgettable way to spell its name.
My impression of spending a week in Vicksburg made an indelible mark on my memory. The week was spent doing my favorites things....laughing, eating, laughing, eating, and watching extraordinary young women compete for the title of Miss America…….I mean they were all Miss America material.
We stayed in a casino/hotel compete with the continuous sounds of slot machines being played 24-7. I believe Vicksburg was made famous from the Wa-wah but I saw another type of wa-wah in the lobby and I almost had my own private wa-wah in the elevator with an UMW (unidentified mad woman) on Saturday night…..God love her.
I was in awe of the production done par-excel-lance by the one and only Mallory Graham.
I told edgy stories and blamed it on my mother…she would be proud.
I learned a great deal about Mississippi interviewing the 45 contestants. There is one word that shakes the innerds of Mississippians…..football. When asked questions about players, coaches, games, etc., these ladies got a glazed-over look on their faces. The next words out of their mouths would have astonished Bobby Bowden and the late Frank Howard. They knew details of details. It was amazing.
Before one contestant walked into interview, one of the judges said, “You know she is the captain of the Dixie Darlings.” There was a hush in the room. I did not know what to expect. Did I need to practice my curtsy? Maybe I need to speak only when spoken to! It was explained to me at University of Southern Mississippi a ka-zillion girls try-out but few make it. It is like royalty.
I Googled Dixie Darlings and they have their own newsletter, Myspace and a massive alumni association. They award the “Dixie Darling of the Year” and sign their letters, HUGS and KICKS. I think they would put our Tiger Twirler to shame.
We crowned a beautiful young woman Miss Mississippi and all 45 ladies had knock-out swimsuit figures, great talents and fabulous gowns. The television production was amazing.
One of most impressive parts of my experience was the lovely manners and sweet Southern Belles who spoke to the judges after the pageant.
Fellow judge, Dr. Myra is a former Miss Mississippi and second-runner up to Miss America. Not bad for a beautiful, young, Mississippi girl to become a New York, cancer specialist with a focus on breast cancer. Myra and husband, Paul are such a wonderful couple who are living the dream. Myra is what the Miss America Program is all about.
Mississippi is the hospitality state and proven many times by our hosts and hostesses. My fellow judges will agree it is the state of the pageant’s theme…..a land of many Kings and Queens.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
If Only the South Had Won the War-wa
This is a story about Southern football at its finest. Tuesday before the first Clemson game, I did like every other Southern football mother/ wife and went to the grocery store to prepare for Clemson tailgating. I even Googled “tailgating foods”. “Get with it, Jane.” I told myself. “Your children are at Clemson now and you have to do the football, hotter-that-hell-temperature, cook junk food that will clog your arteries, etc. thing and pretend it is fun.”
To honor the forefathers of the Herlong clan we arrived a full four hours before kickoff. Our wonderful host and hostess had not even arrived at the tailgating site.
There was a delightful breeze blowing from the left that was short lived. A “church bus” without church people pulled into the parking spot next to us stopping any hint of air. Glancing to my immediate right was a cooker unlike any other. It was the size of a casket complete with two stovepipes that made our temperature rise another 30 degrees. Our female-hostess had her back to the massive, casket cooker. The first time the lid of the cooker was raised, she fanned herself and said, “I can’t believe I did not take my estrogen.” I said, “You are not having a hot flash we are having a heat wave from that cooker.” Glancing over I heard a sentence that would be repeated at least a ka-zillion times in four hours. “Ya’ll git youself a free chicken wing,” I did a double take and said, “That man talking looks just like Danny Ford.” “That is Danny Ford,” replied Thomas. “He is selling cookers.”
For those of you who so not know who Danny Ford is, he won the National Championship in football for Clemson University in 1981. He is Clemson royalty and a year or two away from being a god.
What is a person to do who is hot and misting away (Momma always said to say the word “mist” instead of “sweat”) her number three, Neutrogena spray-on tan? At first I watched all the cute, size 0, freshmen girls walk by in orange sundresses that were size B (Barbie) wearing stiletto heels. When that wore off, I entertained myself by listening to men ask Danny Ford stupid questions. My favorite was, “Hey Coach Ford. You ‘member when I was pumping ga-ass in 1985 at the fillin’ station and you said, I like your ride?”
Son, Holmes made life interesting my saying every two minutes, “Momma. I am hot.” Caroline made her daddy angry by making a cameo appearance ten minutes before kickoff.”
In sharing this story with our local philosopher, Jeff, his comment was, “Your experience is another example of the South suffering for losing the War. The Yankees who live in the cooler parts of the country, have a leaf or two turn slightly yellow-ish and decide it is time to play football. So they put on their jackets and the NCAA starts the season.“ Jeff then continued, “If the South had won the War, football would begin in October and the Bowl Games would be around Easter. This would suit the South to a tee….no play on words.” It all made sense to me.
Philosopher Jeff is a computer guru who enjoys pontificating. Jeff could have been a Mirco-softy but that would never work since he does not have Asperger’s syndrome like the other Microsoft people. Also, living in Seattle just ain’t the South. After work or maybe before work but probably during work, Jeff sits in the CAVE (his unique habitat) and ponders life’s questions with adult beverages and lots of non-pontificating friends.
After hearing Jeff’s philosophy, I have taken his theory to the next level.
Since our boys play in horribly hot temperatures, they can outplay the Iowa farm boys when the National Championship games are played in January in the South. The War-winners/Snowbirds cannot wait to take their yearly pilgrimages on the I-95 death corridor to the sunny South. This is why bowl games are played in the South and the Southern teams are winning National titles. Our Southern boys can take the heat.
This weekend is another Clemson extravaganza. Hopefully the temperature will be cooler and Danny Ford will be speaking somewhere and not selling casket sized cookers. If not, I will have to contact Jeff so he can help me make sense out of the senseless….. Southern summer tailgating.
To honor the forefathers of the Herlong clan we arrived a full four hours before kickoff. Our wonderful host and hostess had not even arrived at the tailgating site.
There was a delightful breeze blowing from the left that was short lived. A “church bus” without church people pulled into the parking spot next to us stopping any hint of air. Glancing to my immediate right was a cooker unlike any other. It was the size of a casket complete with two stovepipes that made our temperature rise another 30 degrees. Our female-hostess had her back to the massive, casket cooker. The first time the lid of the cooker was raised, she fanned herself and said, “I can’t believe I did not take my estrogen.” I said, “You are not having a hot flash we are having a heat wave from that cooker.” Glancing over I heard a sentence that would be repeated at least a ka-zillion times in four hours. “Ya’ll git youself a free chicken wing,” I did a double take and said, “That man talking looks just like Danny Ford.” “That is Danny Ford,” replied Thomas. “He is selling cookers.”
For those of you who so not know who Danny Ford is, he won the National Championship in football for Clemson University in 1981. He is Clemson royalty and a year or two away from being a god.
What is a person to do who is hot and misting away (Momma always said to say the word “mist” instead of “sweat”) her number three, Neutrogena spray-on tan? At first I watched all the cute, size 0, freshmen girls walk by in orange sundresses that were size B (Barbie) wearing stiletto heels. When that wore off, I entertained myself by listening to men ask Danny Ford stupid questions. My favorite was, “Hey Coach Ford. You ‘member when I was pumping ga-ass in 1985 at the fillin’ station and you said, I like your ride?”
Son, Holmes made life interesting my saying every two minutes, “Momma. I am hot.” Caroline made her daddy angry by making a cameo appearance ten minutes before kickoff.”
In sharing this story with our local philosopher, Jeff, his comment was, “Your experience is another example of the South suffering for losing the War. The Yankees who live in the cooler parts of the country, have a leaf or two turn slightly yellow-ish and decide it is time to play football. So they put on their jackets and the NCAA starts the season.“ Jeff then continued, “If the South had won the War, football would begin in October and the Bowl Games would be around Easter. This would suit the South to a tee….no play on words.” It all made sense to me.
Philosopher Jeff is a computer guru who enjoys pontificating. Jeff could have been a Mirco-softy but that would never work since he does not have Asperger’s syndrome like the other Microsoft people. Also, living in Seattle just ain’t the South. After work or maybe before work but probably during work, Jeff sits in the CAVE (his unique habitat) and ponders life’s questions with adult beverages and lots of non-pontificating friends.
After hearing Jeff’s philosophy, I have taken his theory to the next level.
Since our boys play in horribly hot temperatures, they can outplay the Iowa farm boys when the National Championship games are played in January in the South. The War-winners/Snowbirds cannot wait to take their yearly pilgrimages on the I-95 death corridor to the sunny South. This is why bowl games are played in the South and the Southern teams are winning National titles. Our Southern boys can take the heat.
This weekend is another Clemson extravaganza. Hopefully the temperature will be cooler and Danny Ford will be speaking somewhere and not selling casket sized cookers. If not, I will have to contact Jeff so he can help me make sense out of the senseless….. Southern summer tailgating.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
My friends are mortified. “Jane, you are not going to write about this in the paper, are you?”
“Yes I am. I just can’t help it.” I said. “Everyone, demo-graphically speaking has had one and they tell you about it. Just say the word and they will share their experience.”
What is the word? The dreaded colonoscopy.
I plunged/drank myself into the experience we should all heed if one cares about maintaining good health.
God bless Tommy Stone when he handed me the massive plastic jug with four flavored packets. The first thing I thought of was how nice to have this plastic jug for watering my plants. Then I asked the question, “Tommy which flavor is the best?” Tommy wisely answered, “The flavor you kinda like. Don’t use the flavor you really like since after drinking the four liter jug you will hate the sight, smell and taste of that flavor forever.” I thought how great if the “flavor people” could come up with a flavor called, Chocolate Delight or Little Debbie Nutter Butter.
Four o’clock. The day before. The process begins. Six o’clock, the drinking process continues. I learned that Tommy was right and the best way to stomach the drink was to chase it with lime jello. I do not know if there is any significance to this but nothing happened until the phone rang. It was Michele Satcher. She said in her cheerful way, “How’s IT going?” Then IT happened. For some strange reason, I was most appreciative. So for help in getting things going, call 1-800-MICHELE.
“Yes I am. I just can’t help it.” I said. “Everyone, demo-graphically speaking has had one and they tell you about it. Just say the word and they will share their experience.”
What is the word? The dreaded colonoscopy.
I plunged/drank myself into the experience we should all heed if one cares about maintaining good health.
God bless Tommy Stone when he handed me the massive plastic jug with four flavored packets. The first thing I thought of was how nice to have this plastic jug for watering my plants. Then I asked the question, “Tommy which flavor is the best?” Tommy wisely answered, “The flavor you kinda like. Don’t use the flavor you really like since after drinking the four liter jug you will hate the sight, smell and taste of that flavor forever.” I thought how great if the “flavor people” could come up with a flavor called, Chocolate Delight or Little Debbie Nutter Butter.
Four o’clock. The day before. The process begins. Six o’clock, the drinking process continues. I learned that Tommy was right and the best way to stomach the drink was to chase it with lime jello. I do not know if there is any significance to this but nothing happened until the phone rang. It was Michele Satcher. She said in her cheerful way, “How’s IT going?” Then IT happened. For some strange reason, I was most appreciative. So for help in getting things going, call 1-800-MICHELE.
The next morning we checked into the Center and I noticed the first visual when we walked into the building were restrooms. Smart.
I got “tagged” and Thomas and I were waiting patiently as the folks flocked in. All was well until a very loud, overly excited woman ran in and said, “Mary gone back yet? She didn’t cancel again, did she?” The woman continued, “Oh, Lawd. I told her not to worry but ever since her cousin passed she did not want to have it done.” As we say in the speaking business, some people just don’t know their audience.
JANE HERLONG. My turn. Thomas said. “Have fun.”
The doctor was very nice. Then it was my turn to chat with the anesthesiologist. He was from Peru and had the thickest accent I have every heard. Not until I heard him interview the third person did I realize what the questions were he asked me. The anesthesiologist reminded me of that episode of Seinfeld with the Soup Nazi. “YOU SMOKE?” YOU HAVE DENTURES? YOU PREGNANT? NO ANESTHESIA FOR YOU!
I entertained myself by listening to my curtain mates. The woman on my right had taken a Valium and the woman on my left took Paxil. Like their colon decided to keep those pills and get rid of everything else.
I woke up and tried to take in the results. I was so drowsy as the doctor talked with me and Thomas. My mind tried to relate to what he was saying and all I could think of was the Luge track at the Olympics.
The day ended (no play on words) with a gold medal finish. Thomas took me to IHOP and I ordered their Golden Breakfast. Hopefully, this experience will not be like the Luge competition and require the best out of two.
I got “tagged” and Thomas and I were waiting patiently as the folks flocked in. All was well until a very loud, overly excited woman ran in and said, “Mary gone back yet? She didn’t cancel again, did she?” The woman continued, “Oh, Lawd. I told her not to worry but ever since her cousin passed she did not want to have it done.” As we say in the speaking business, some people just don’t know their audience.
JANE HERLONG. My turn. Thomas said. “Have fun.”
The doctor was very nice. Then it was my turn to chat with the anesthesiologist. He was from Peru and had the thickest accent I have every heard. Not until I heard him interview the third person did I realize what the questions were he asked me. The anesthesiologist reminded me of that episode of Seinfeld with the Soup Nazi. “YOU SMOKE?” YOU HAVE DENTURES? YOU PREGNANT? NO ANESTHESIA FOR YOU!
I entertained myself by listening to my curtain mates. The woman on my right had taken a Valium and the woman on my left took Paxil. Like their colon decided to keep those pills and get rid of everything else.
I woke up and tried to take in the results. I was so drowsy as the doctor talked with me and Thomas. My mind tried to relate to what he was saying and all I could think of was the Luge track at the Olympics.
The day ended (no play on words) with a gold medal finish. Thomas took me to IHOP and I ordered their Golden Breakfast. Hopefully, this experience will not be like the Luge competition and require the best out of two.
Ten Tasks for a Healthy 2010
By
Jane Jenkins Herlong
My sister, Carol Hardman, died unexpectedly on December 20, 2009. My heart is heavy for her husband and three children. To bury my mother and sister in a period of five months is surreal. My prayer is that my family will live in peace, and my sister will rest in peace.
What I am sharing in this article is heartfelt from personal experience of how to live in peace regardless of circumstances. To be totally honest, I am still a work in progress.
1. Forgive.
It does not matter what you story is. Don’t allow yourself to live in a spirit of unforgiveness. The acid destroys the container quicker that it will touch the person who has wronged you.
2. Grieve Well.
There is a difference between healthy grief and unhealthy grief. I saw my grandmother grieve over my grandfather for years and years. My grandmother chose to live in a spirit of grief, which is not healthy. Whether you are grieving the loss of a loved one, job, or your home, do not be consumed with a spirit of grief.
3. Serve Others.
In the past two weeks our small church, Harmony United Methodist, has been affected by seven deaths. I have tried to focus my thoughts on comforting these families rather then my own grief. Make your pain someone else’s gain.
4. Walk in Love
As I look back on my 2009, the most powerful thing we can do in order to rest our heads at night is to walk in a spirit in love.
5. Manage Your Emotions
The mark of a truly mature person is to harness your emotions regardless of how you feel. Our feelings are fickle and will play tricks on us. Un-harnessed emotions make us say and do things we regret. My mother always said, “Words never spoken are words never regretted.”
6. Speak the Truth in Love
Many people enjoy “grand-standing” while others act out in ungodly ways. As Christians, we should prayerfully ask the Lord to quicken out hearts if we are to confront. Sadly, more people enjoy watching and gossiping about others’ behavior in order to lessen their own troubles. My husband, Thomas has wisely said, “Anyone is entitled to his or her opinion but no one is entitled to distort the facts.”
7. Confront the Source
There is a story about a village in a remote section of Africa. Many of the villagers became extremely sick and died. The source of the sickness came from the water that ran into the village from the top of the mountain. For several days, a group of villagers hiked to the top of the mountain to discover a wild boar had died in the stream contaminating the water supply. This was the source of the poison that destroyed many lives. When poison is spewed from the mouth, instead of talking and spreading the venom, approach the source. Cowards cower in darkness.
8. Accept Unanswered Answers
One of the wisest comments I ever heard was made by a friend of mine commenting on problems in life. He simply said, “Sometimes there are no answers. Believe me, this statement will save you thousands of dollars in therapy.”
9. Let God Be your Vindicator
Many times your best defense is silence. In the complex world we live in, the only true vindication comes from the hand of God. Let him be your quarterback.
10. The Mystery
This is the most powerful principle of them all. This is the most difficult of all the tasks. Yet, it is simple in verbiage …….The choice is yours; it is all up to you.
By
Jane Jenkins Herlong
My sister, Carol Hardman, died unexpectedly on December 20, 2009. My heart is heavy for her husband and three children. To bury my mother and sister in a period of five months is surreal. My prayer is that my family will live in peace, and my sister will rest in peace.
What I am sharing in this article is heartfelt from personal experience of how to live in peace regardless of circumstances. To be totally honest, I am still a work in progress.
1. Forgive.
It does not matter what you story is. Don’t allow yourself to live in a spirit of unforgiveness. The acid destroys the container quicker that it will touch the person who has wronged you.
2. Grieve Well.
There is a difference between healthy grief and unhealthy grief. I saw my grandmother grieve over my grandfather for years and years. My grandmother chose to live in a spirit of grief, which is not healthy. Whether you are grieving the loss of a loved one, job, or your home, do not be consumed with a spirit of grief.
3. Serve Others.
In the past two weeks our small church, Harmony United Methodist, has been affected by seven deaths. I have tried to focus my thoughts on comforting these families rather then my own grief. Make your pain someone else’s gain.
4. Walk in Love
As I look back on my 2009, the most powerful thing we can do in order to rest our heads at night is to walk in a spirit in love.
5. Manage Your Emotions
The mark of a truly mature person is to harness your emotions regardless of how you feel. Our feelings are fickle and will play tricks on us. Un-harnessed emotions make us say and do things we regret. My mother always said, “Words never spoken are words never regretted.”
6. Speak the Truth in Love
Many people enjoy “grand-standing” while others act out in ungodly ways. As Christians, we should prayerfully ask the Lord to quicken out hearts if we are to confront. Sadly, more people enjoy watching and gossiping about others’ behavior in order to lessen their own troubles. My husband, Thomas has wisely said, “Anyone is entitled to his or her opinion but no one is entitled to distort the facts.”
7. Confront the Source
There is a story about a village in a remote section of Africa. Many of the villagers became extremely sick and died. The source of the sickness came from the water that ran into the village from the top of the mountain. For several days, a group of villagers hiked to the top of the mountain to discover a wild boar had died in the stream contaminating the water supply. This was the source of the poison that destroyed many lives. When poison is spewed from the mouth, instead of talking and spreading the venom, approach the source. Cowards cower in darkness.
8. Accept Unanswered Answers
One of the wisest comments I ever heard was made by a friend of mine commenting on problems in life. He simply said, “Sometimes there are no answers. Believe me, this statement will save you thousands of dollars in therapy.”
9. Let God Be your Vindicator
Many times your best defense is silence. In the complex world we live in, the only true vindication comes from the hand of God. Let him be your quarterback.
10. The Mystery
This is the most powerful principle of them all. This is the most difficult of all the tasks. Yet, it is simple in verbiage …….The choice is yours; it is all up to you.
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